Web Posted July 12, 1997

"You can leave your heart
in San Francisco,but that's all!"

In a move that Peter Pan would envy, San Francisco outlawed death.

The city couldn't really outlaw dying, so it did the next best thing -- it outlawed burial. Many years ago, San Francisco decreed that only living people could remain inside its borders. Perhaps the decision was prompted by high-priced land use issues, or by health concerns. But whatever the reason, all dead people must be taken, well, somewhere else.

(Please remember this, visitors. The dead-looking people walking the streets of San Francisco today are only making a fashion statement.)

Nearby Colma recognized this amazing decision as a golden opportunity. Their large, open city needed more permanent residents. So what if they were dead? Who could be more permanent than that? Real estate people quickly figured out they could sell many more 6-foot lots than 25-foot lots, so they entered the cemetery business. Florists and headstone carvers joined in. Colma's burial industry was on its way to success, covering hills and valleys.

Suddenly, people were just dying to come to Colma. Wars helped business. Cemetery owners began to discriminate, taking just military, or Chinese, or Irish, or Catholic, whatever was most profitable. Some specialized in pets, knowing they could get even more plots to the acre. It wasn't long before most of the residents of Colma were dead. And everyone was happy.

But the boom contained the seeds of its own bust, of course. It couldn't last forever. Today, Colma is nearly full. Experts estimate burial room will run out in about 20 more years. Something must be done.

"Real estate people quickly figured out they could sell more 6-foot lots than 25-foot lots, so they entered the cemetery business... Suddenly, people were just dying to come to Colma."

To make their scarce plots last longer, and to stay in business, cemetery owners are pushing for more cremations. But Colma homeowners keep voting against another neighborhood crematorium. And what about the ashes? You can't just sell them as fertilizer, or put them on the curb for the weekly trash pickup.

People with boats and planes are going into the business of dumping the ashes in the ocean. As long as the EPA doesn't object, and since the fish don't have a union, prospects for this business are good. But there can still be more problems.

A local pilot was collecting $75 per customer to scatter their cremated remains over the ocean. Realizing that his customers couldn't complain if they didn't get their ocean cruise, he just collected the money and stashed the "cremains" in a rented storage locker. When he was found out, he pulled a gun, and voluntarily joined the Colma silent majority.

What's next? San Francisco is notorious for double-parking. Is that the next answer for Colma?

Is the rest of America going to be facing the same problem in the future? How long will traditional burials continue? Can a cemetery really last forever? Can a dead person own land forever?

When will our "eternal" religions let us re-use our finite land? Our children must find better answers, if we can't.

"Gentleman Jim Heldberg" writes from his favorite City by The Bay, and welcomes mail at jheldberg@atheists.org.

Copyright © 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000 by American Atheists.